you all hate the position i sleep in because you haven’t advanced to my level and you’re jealous of my mental acuity and caustic wit as well as being extremely good at sleeping
This is like. The opposite of the recovery position
dollar store got wise and started charging for broom handles and the broom head, trying to charge me $5 for the whole deal, 3 for the handle and 2 for the head.
i said fuck that because while they thought they were getting smart, they were dumb enough to write that they had over 1500 different products on the front of the store, which tells me that the cashier who works for close to minimum wage is n e v e r checking up on what each individual item costs and how it’s sold
so i put the broom handle and matching head together and kept my hand on the handle, a subtle move to hide the second barcode, saving me three dollars, and the confidence to walk out like i own the place
me, in the housewares aisle trying to think 19 moves ahead and exactly what my alibi will be for the police:
Hey quick question do people actually wear jeans indoors at home? Like, as a casual thing to wear? As in you don’t plan on going out or anything you just put jeans on.
The hardest thing about being an adult and still living with the fam is not being able to beat the crap out of people who make fun of your younger brother
Ok so I have a story. I worked Fantasyland (Dumbo) at Magic Kingdom. We had a girl transfer from Pirates of the Caribbean. And she told me the most amazing story.
So Pirates is down (shocking) And this particular boat is stopped at the first big scene, Where Barbosa is on the ship yelling for Jack Sparrow.
Anyway the boat has been stopped for about 15 minutes at this point, and there’s a couple sitting alone in the back. So the guy decides that nothing gets him in a better mood than the smell of water that hasn’t been changed in roughly 50 years, and convinces his girlfriend to blow him.
Now this girl is in the booth, along with the coordinator, watching this go down. Literally. There’s not much they can do to stop it at this point, other than notify security. Then another problem arises. The guy finishes, and the girl makes the motion to spit.
In. The. Fucking. Water.
Now if that load is released into the water, thats an automatic biohazard, and the ride is shut down for weeks. The water is removed, the ride path is scrubbed, along with the ride vehicles, and then new water is brought in. Costing the company thousands of dollara and pissed off tourists. The worst combination on this earth.
Panicking at this predicament, the coordinator grabs the mic in the control booth and says:
“Spitting is for quitters.”
This echoes over the bitching of guests and 50 year old audio of pirates commiting various crimes.
The look on this woman’s face was priceless. She gazes up, as if Walt himself commanded her from the grave, and swallows.
I’m told the ride started 5 minutes later and the couple ran out from the exit queue as fast as they could.
And this is why you dont fuck at Disney. Because cast members will call you out and it will be the highlight of our day.
